


A Drowning

by sayoko



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Gen, HxHBB 2017, Post-Chimera Ant Arc, Pre-Dark Continent Arc, a little Knov, but one about dealing with it kind of, is this a character analysis fic?, is this a fill-in fic?, mostly focused on Palm, not a trauma recovery fic, we just don't know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 05:57:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11030058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sayoko/pseuds/sayoko
Summary: About what it is to look back at the sea after almost drowning, and how even after you're already on land you can feel the undertow pulling.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title inspired by this [song!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCdQuZzjtFY) *a thousand suffering emoji*

 

 

After some hesitation, the secretary of the Hunters’ Association called Knov aside. Clearly, whatever he had to say was not meant for Palm to hear.

It wasn’t exactly a useful act. Palm’s hearing was sharp and the sound echoed in the closed office. Still, she didn’t have the heart to tell the short man, _“Hey, I can still hear you, you know?”_

“I know I said we could use Miss Siberia’s help over the phone, but I thought you would… I mean, I thought she wouldn’t… What I’m trying to ask is, is it safe with her here?”

Her chest tightened at the worry in his voice. She’d been getting used to the comments, the whispers, but they were usually just about her appearance. Her clothing covered most of the signs that revealed she wasn’t like the rest, but they didn’t cover all. She was noticeably different. Whenever she went out, there were whispers; it happened. However, this man was not a total stranger. He was not questioning her looks, but if she represented danger. And she had fought for him, for him and the rest of the whole world. And now he, of all people, was questioning how _safe_ it was to be in the presence of this… _ant_.

And that was what kept resonating in Palm’s mind as the clock on the wall seemed to freeze; _What if the whispers are right? What if I should be feared?_

“Of course it’s safe, Palm is my student,” Knov answered, and his voice was louder than needed for the almost empty room. “I brought her along because we will waste less time this way, don’t you think?”

It was not really a question. It was a reproof, a “it’s frankly stupid to act as messenger between you both when you can just ask her in person”, in a polite way.

Beans gave Palm a last brief look before sighing and sitting at his desk. “Alright, please take a seat.”

Once the meeting was over, both teacher and student sneaked out of the building. It was not strictly necessary, but it wouldn’t hurt to take precaution; after all, the case they were currently investigating involved a member of the staff. Pariston Hill, Vice Chairman and member of the Zodiacs, was under unofficial investigation for the possession of an indeterminate quantity of chimera ant eggs.

Palm didn’t feel she was much help; she could barely answer Beans questions. _“When the eggs hatch, will the soldiers follow Pariston?”_ That was the most important one, and she had no idea. The first minutes after her own… revival, one could say, were nothing but a haze, a fog in which she didn’t really want to venture into.

“Will you stay all day at the hospital again?”

Her mentor’s voice never failed to bring her back to reality. She looked at Knov, only to immediately turn away. She was not the only one who was changed.

“I need you to keep this Pariston issue between us for the moment. This isn’t an official investigation. You understand.”

“Yes”

 

Keeping the secret wasn’t as hard as it seemed. As soon as Palm was at Shoot’s floor, all the memories from that morning’s meeting moved aside to give place to more important matters; her teammates.

“Yo Palm!! Did someone tell you the good news??”

 Palm smiled. Knuckle, Ikalgo and Meleoron were already there. “What happened?”

“Weeeell,” Knuckle said as he leaned towards Shoot’s bed, “this big boy here is getting released today.”

“Really? Shoot, that’s great!”

Shoot blushed. Palm had seen him blush like that many times before, when they all were still practically strangers. It didn’t happen that often now. Shoot had become incredibly more confident after the battler. Still, the blushing sometimes came back. _Old habits die hard_ , she thought, and then that it was ok this one did, because it was kind of cute. Probably the rest thought so too, but she wouldn’t mention it in front of Shoot. It would kill him. He would die of embarrassment the same day of his release.

“Yeah,” Shoot said while scratching the back of his neck, “I was getting worried I would never get out of this place.”

Morel had gotten his release just a few days before; Shoot was the only one still in hospitalized. It was understandable. With the gravity of his injuries, it had been practically a miracle he had escaped death.

“And that is why we are going partying!” Knuckle announced. “And you’re going too, Palm! This is not a choice!”

Meleoron laughed, Ikalgo sighed, and Shoot got even more distressed as he reminded Knuckle to keep his voice down or the scary nurse would come back again and “please, you don’t understand, she’s really scary with a needle in her hands”.

Palm wondered if Knuckle really meant it, or if he was just trying to cheer everyone up. It was probably the later. Even though Shoot was “ok” according to the hospital, he didn’t look ok enough to go show some sick moves that very same night. Knuckle wouldn’t endanger his friend like that. Besides, Shoot didn’t seem the kind of guy who liked going to clubs in the first place. He should be talking of organizing something back at Morel’s, something calm, and private, and with less dancing.

“Alright, I’m in then,” she said with a smile.

 

She wasn’t entirely wrong. That afternoon, Morel was waiting for them with food and drinks. He was waiting for all of them, Knov and Palm included, so when the first didn’t show up he was clearly displeased.

“He was busy,” Palm said, relaying Knov’s message, though she wasn’t sure how real it was. Those days, their only interactions happened when he drove her to the hospital. After that, Knov spent the day away, “working”, he said, or locked in his room, “investigating”. It wasn’t that she doubted he had work. It was just that the amount of time he spent on it was so much she couldn’t help but think he was doing it on purpose, to avoid them or maybe just her…

Still, she didn’t let her worries about her mentor distract her from the welcome party. The apartment where Morel and the new members of his crew were staying was not that far away from her own and it was pretty much the same in size and distribution; still, it felt much more hospitable. The rooms were all occupied with unmade beds and empty snack packages tossed around (for which Knuckle got yelled at), and the kitchen had recently-yet-not-thoroughly-washed dishes drying on the sink and a month-worth supply of instant ramen inside the top cabinet (and this discovery got Palm kindly escorted out of the kitchen, not before being asked not to tell Knov about this, “this is not how we live, it’s just temporary”).

There was food and warmth and chatter and impromptu karaoke when Meleoron discovered a karaoke channel on TV.

It felt like a home.

Palm took a sip from her drink and let herself sink in the couch and the warmth of this home. Later, she would have to go back to the coldness of Knov’s place. Maybe Knov wouldn’t even be there. Maybe he would leave for a job, and leave her alone there for who knows how long. They didn’t have clear instructions about the Pariston issue yet and Palm only worked when instructed by Knov. Who knew when her next task would be assigned.

“Ok! So, while this song no one knows plays, I think we should start discussing the welcome party,” Knuckle said.

“Huh?” Palm asked from her cosy seat. “This isn’t it?”

“Of course not! We’re going to the beach!”

“That’s why I insisted so much on Knov coming,” Morel added. “But it’s better this way. Now that coward will have to accept all the decisions we make today.”

As it turned out, going to the beach was the real party. Palm was a bit offended that Morel was calling her master “coward”, but then again, he was indeed evasive lately. And paranoid. A bit way too much. Letting Meleoron and Ikalgo stay with Morel had been the wisest choice, because Palm couldn’t imagine how he would have dealt with trying to make two people that didn’t look like regular people at all follow his strict rules for “not standing out in public”.

Surely, he would totally be against the team’s trip, but as Morel said, he wasn’t there to give his opinion, and she wasn’t going to act as advocate for someone that didn’t need or ask for it.

Besides, it had been a long time since she had last gone to the beach for vacations. She was already looking forward for it.

“Alright boys! And girl,” Morel continued. “We have a place, food, and mobilization. Now, I know it’s very unlikely but I’m going to ask anyway, do any of you have a swimsuit?”

Thankfully, Morel knew just how to push the secretary so all the money for the short trip was graciously given by the Association as part of “compensational fees”; swimsuits included. The “part of” and plural on the last sentence were important, because it seemed the final amount of their compensation was not yet decided. Or rather, it was, but Morel and Knov were still pushing for more. “ _Not pushing, negotiating_ ”, her mentor would say.

It was fair, Palm thought, although she also wondered where the limit could be. What was the price for a life lost? What was the price for millions of lives unknowingly saved?

The questions were covered in shadows when Pariston’s memory came to mind.

What was the point of it all if when there were more nightmares waiting ahead? Nightmares that could be unleashed anytime soon, and by one of the men supposed to be on their side?

She shook her head and tried to forget about that and worry about the present. They were at the mall; Shoot and Knuckle were about to have a bathing shorts war.

“I don’t understand why you’re so opposed to these,” Shoot said.

“They’re black, completely black. You can’t go with that to the beach,” Knuckle retorted. “It’s depressing. You’re gonna give the beach depression.”

“That’s ridiculous; I can’t give the beach depression.”

“Well, you’re going to give _me_ depression.”

“It’s just black shorts!”

Meleoron and Ikalgo went to their side. Since he was so short, Ikalgo had to look for something at the kids section. Meleoron had gone with him for support. They were carrying a bag so it meant they had been successful, yet for some reason, they looked gloomy, and dragged their feet.

“Something happened?” Palm asked them while Knuckle kept trying to make Shoot pick something with more colors.

“Kids’ clothes were on sale,” Meleoron said without lifting his gaze from the floor.

“Moms are terrifying,” Ikalgo added in the same sombre tone.

Palm didn’t ask for more clarification. She understood how overwhelming the rage of a middle-aged woman during a seasonal sale could be.

 

After all the men were ready with their purchases, it was Palm’s turn to look for something. She entered the first store, and when she looked back she was surprised to find only Shoot there.

“Where’s the rest?”

“Ah… They were too shy to come into the store.”

Palm’s jaw dropped slightly. Her mind was having a hard time processing the shyest member of the group informing her that the rest ‘had been too shy’.

“You’re kidding me.”

Shoot shook his head and pointed outside the entrance doors. The three men were sitting on a bench; when they noticed Palm staring, they waved at her. Knuckle, the same one who bragged about how he had hit Youpi more times than she could count now, had the boldness to even add a thumbs-up, from the distance, because he wasn’t brave enough for that but not to accompany her to the lingerie section of a women’s shop.

“I can’t believe-”, she took a deep breath. “Fine. You’ll help me choose, and after we’re done we’ll get ice-cream and none of them is invited.”

 

Palm was left at her building that afternoon, and when she opened the apartment’s door, no one else was there. _Working_ , she supposed. She could only suppose. There were no messages, not even a post-it saying where Knov was or when he would be back. She could spy on him, sure. But what would they gain from that? Her vision didn’t let her see hearts. She could spy on him and yeah, maybe she would find him somewhere else, living a separate life; or worse, she would find him overworking himself to a more deteriorated state, and when he came back and she asked him “why?” he wouldn’t answer and would leave again, and she would never know. They would grow further and further apart and she could spy on him all the while, but she would never be able to see what was going on behind his tired eyes.

She closed the curtains, boiled water to make tea, and turned on the TV for some background noise.

This time, she didn’t go to bed early to avoid the obvious emptiness of her temporary home – or sad attempt of one. No, this time she had plans; this time she had to pack.

 

They parted the morning after. The trip on the 3-row rental car was quiet, mostly snores from the back seats. They were staying at a cabin by the beach for the weekend, and the beach itself was so close to the house that they could get there by foot. Their schedule was actually nonexistent. “Just us and the sea, that’s our schedule”, Morel said. When they were done setting things up at the cabin and went down to the beach, Palm was left in awe at how different it felt.

The trip had lasted something like a couple of hours. They were not that far away from the city, but it felt like they were in a different country, even. The wind, the sun, the hot sand; the sound of the waves washed over all the worries she had inadvertently carried along with her luggage.

“Let’s have a tennis match!” Morel said. “Meleoron! Let’s go first!”

 

They sucked. Morel got tired of running after some minutes and Meleoron couldn’t hit the ball. He just couldn’t hit the ball. It was unfair to laugh at him, Palm thought, probably he just lacked training. Still, the fact remained that, at the moment, he sucked.

Knuckle went against Morel after. He hit the ball, but it was not an exciting match either. The younger man scored point after point. Morel surrendered a bit later. “I just got out of the hospital,” he excused himself, “it’s normal that I’m tired.” It could be. That, and the sand, and the old age. Maybe not the old age. He couldn’t be _that_ old. And then it hit her, like a stray tennis ball. _The smoking!_ It had to be the smoke. Smoking was bad for your health. Then again, was it really tobacco smoke? Would he really use something potentially damaging for his main technique? Could it be… that maybe… he… vaped?

Palm kept wondering for a while. She concluded maybe Morel just sucked at beach tennis, too.

The next match was Shoot versus Ikalgo and Meleoron on a two on two match. Shoot was alone but using one of his extra hands as second player, so it was fair, in a way. The idea was very interesting, but the execution failed, almost immediately. So immediately that there were no comments to be made.

Next, Knuckle challenged Palm.

“Oi! Get your ass up here! I need a worthy challen-”

He never finished the sentence, as his mentor hit him right in the head while yelling “That’s not how you speak to a lady!” which was followed by a “But we’re friends now!” which was followed by another yell.

Palm considered it for a moment. She had agreed to the trip, but mostly for a change of air. She had never really been a fan of beach sports, or swimming, not even sun baths. However, this time, the main reason why she had been sitting under the parasol was another. Along with her new bikini, she had bought a broad-brimmed hat, a sarong and an extra long lace cardigan; all of it to cover herself. Even without Knov there, she still felt the constant worry that emanated from him, that told her to stay low, because, after all, she was an ant, and the world was not supposed to see her, or even know of her existence at all.

“C’mon Palm!!” shouted Meleoron. “Beat his smug ass!”

“Stop saying ass!!” yelled Morel, and only that, because the lizard man disappeared before he could keep defending chivalry with a mighty fist to the top of his head.

So she had to options; she could keep hiding, or she could be more like the new members of the team. Meleoron and Ikalgo’s presence there was refreshing, a reminder that she was not the only different one. Of the three of them, they were the ones who were the most divergent to the eye. And they didn’t care. Or at least, not at the beach (she had nothing to say of their caution back at the city). And they were right not to. They were practically alone. Their cabin was away from the nearest public beach; there were only two other groups of people close by, minding their own business, and what’s more, they were so far away you couldn’t tell their faces. It was safe. And it was her time to have fun.

Palm took off her hat and let her cardigan fall off her shoulders before standing up.

“You’re so going to lose,” she said confidently, though she was also very confident that she was going to be the one getting her ass kicked.

Their game was interrupted by a phone call to Morel’s phone. By the anger in his voice, they could tell it had to do with the Association. By the way he relented anyway and said he would go, they suspected the one calling was Knov.

“I’m so sorry; it seems I really have to go. I’ll leave the car with you. If you need anything, just call.”

Palm wondered if it had something to do with Pariston. There were no messages on her phone. She decided to trust her mentor to tell her if that was the case, so she didn’t ask.

 

They left Morel at the nearest bus station and Palm was left in charge. She had the keys of both the car and the cabin. When Morel was gone, she mocked the other two hunters about how their mentor had given her the power and not one of them, his own students. They were offended for a second, then looked at each other, and then calmly agreed that “well, yeah, you are the most mature one”. Palm thought that it probably was just because she was the only one with a license, but decided not to mention that and accept the compliment anyway.

When they got back to the cabin, the sun had set. The sea below was an entirely different scenery; lower waves, yet frighteningly darker. The tide was already rising and, even though a fragment of the shore could still be seen, it gave Palm the impression that the sea below was infinitely deep, that if they were to sink a foot on those waters, it would suck them in and they would never touch bottom. An abyss, suddenly.

“Aah, damn, seems like we won’t get to make no bonfires,” Knuckle commented.

“We could try tomorrow, a little earlier, obviously.”

They agreed on doing that, and retired to the cabin.

 After eating something and watching a movie, everyone retired to their beds.

 

In the middle of the night, Palm woke up drenched in sweat. She had had a nightmare, again. Lately, nightmares were all she dreamt about. However, most times she couldn’t remember what was so terrible about them. Now, she couldn’t shake the dream away.

She was floating. She was floating in what she assumed was the ocean, because when she looked up, she could see the moon shining through the water’s surface. She wasn’t cold, and she wasn’t drowning. In fact, she felt oddly in place. As she looked up at the blurred full moon, she felt like that was the strange; the night sky was the foreign world. She wasn’t sure when she began to fall. Her limbs refused to respond and slowly, she felt herself falling into the void. The moon gradually disappeared from her sight, and she was left in pure darkness.  Only then she could actually know she was underwater. She felt the water surrounding her, the pressure of the depths. She turned her head around but there was nothing to see, no way to know which way was up, or how far it was. When she felt she couldn’t hold her breath anymore, she started flailing her legs, desperately trying to go, hopefully, up. But _it_ held her. It coiled around one ankle so firmly that she couldn’t shake it off. Palm looked down to see the thing that was holding her down and realized with terror that it was not a thing; it had a face, eyes that gleamed in the dark, sharp teeth, and it smiled. It smiled all the time as it continued to pull her down. She was terrified; she could see that behind the smile there was nothing but a starving beast.

Before it could get any closer, she woke up. It was dark, almost as dark as in the nightmare so she immediately groped for the side table and the little lamp on it. She sat on the border of the bed and took deep breaths to steady herself. It took a while.

Once her pulse was back to normal, she went to the kitchen for a glass of water. It was impossible not to stop by the large windows at the living room. During the day, you could see the horizon. Now, she couldn’t tell where the sky ended and the ocean began.

“Palm?”

She jolted and turned around. A sleepy Ikalgo was standing by the door of his room.

“Are you alright?”

“Mmhm,” she answered with a hand on her chest, heart trying to escape her chest again. “Did I wake you up?”

“No, I just wanted some water,” he answered sluggishly. “Are you sure you’re ok?”

_I must look terrible for him to ask twice_ , she thought. Then again, it was probably the weirdness of standing by a window in the middle of the night.

For a moment, Palm considered asking him if he had had a nightmare as well, if he had them frequently, if he felt the ocean calling to them, and something else, hiding in its depths.

“Yeah,” she answered instead. “I just came for a glass of water as well.”

 

 

The next day, when everyone was already out and discussing if they should try swimming to a group of rocks in the distance, they were all surprised by a sudden revelation.

“I- I don’t know how to swim,” Meleoron confessed. “I mean, I know, but… It’s just dog-paddle.”

“It’s alright! We’ll teach you,” Ikalgo offered.

“I’m not sure I can-”

“Of course you can! Swimming is easy! Like riding a bike.”

Palm looked at the sea, and remembered her nightmare. It was different now. The sky was bright and the waves were of a thousand shades of blue, and the silver of the sun, and even green and red thanks to the occasional seaweed floating about.

It was the ocean, just as in her dream, but it looked entirely different under daylight. It looked welcoming. Palm didn’t even notice when she was walking towards it. She couldn’t remember the last time she had gone swimming. How old was she? All she knew was that she was still a kid. Did she even remember how it was done anymore? When the cold water touched her skin she couldn’t care less. _Like riding a bike_ , she thought, before taking a deep inhale and plunging in.

It was even easier than she had imagined. It was so easy that, without realizing it, she was soon deep enough to be swimming amongst fish. When she realized what that implied, she stopped abruptly –as abruptly as one could underwater– and remained still.

She could see. There was no pang of salt, no burn in her eyes, so she could perfectly see around her. She couldn’t breathe, but it didn’t worry her, as she felt she could hold her breath for a long while.

The sea floor was so calm, it was almost frightening, yet not in the same way it had been in her dream. Palm floated around the rocks and the fish and realized that the word for this calm was not really ‘scary’. She didn’t feel out of place, but it was not like she was _part of it_ either.

If Palm had to choose a word to describe this calm, it would have to be “lonely”.

Then, she felt a voice calling for her.

At first it was weak, and she thought it was just her imagination. However, the voice insisted. It sounded strange, muffled, like it was trying hard to make its way across the water. When she could locate where it came from, she started swimming that way. After a while, she saw a familiar red shape swimming towards her. It was Ikalgo; when he saw her, he looked infinitely relieved.

They both swam to the surface, and only then Palm truly understood just how far from shore she had gone.

Ikalgo let out a deep breath and practically deflated, like a plastic bag floating in the sea.

“We were so worried, you were suddenly gone.”

“I’m sorry,” Palm said immediately, “I didn’t realize how far it was. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Ikalgo said and tiredly waved a tentacle in the air. “It’s fine.”

Palm looked at the shore; the rest looked tiny. How many meters away where they?

“I’m sorry,” she repeated once more.

“It’s alright,” he reassured her, and lightly wrapped a hand –or rather the tip of a tentacle – around hers. “Let’s just not drift away.”

Palm stared at him as he just floated next to her, eyes closed while he rested to recover strength. There had been no inflection in his voice, no hint of anger, and she knew there had been no hidden meanings either. Still, when he said this, she couldn’t help but feel safe.

Of course Ikalgo had gone to find her. He was probably the one with most skills for swimming. However, for Palm, it was more meaningful than that. This time, a voice called out for her and when she turned around there were no fangs, no monster, just a familiar face. This time, Ikalgo had found her, on time, and he had held her hand to stop her from drifting further away. There was no way he knew how symbolic this act was for her. She had told no one how, when there was no one around, she was also, in some way, drifting away. She got lost in thoughts, thoughts that sometimes were the faint voice of the ghost of the role she was once supposed to fulfil, and sometimes just plain hunger, a hunger with no consideration for anyone and no end. It was her nature now, she figured. She should just control it, she figured. She should just handle it on her own, lest she would distract the rest from the other much more important things happening around. She couldn’t do that to them, she figured.

Now it was painful to realize how much these thoughts had been gnawing her on the inside. It was also painfully obvious to see how her nightmares had been a reflection of them. She hadn’t completely healed yet. These thoughts were wounds, deep inside her chest, and even though she knew these wounds did not reflect who she really was, they still bothered and hurt.

It was a burden that seemed easy to carry alone at the beginning. Now she felt she was about to fall on her knees.

_“So we don’t drift away”_ , he had said.

Ikalgo had held her hand and it was not just him; his grip held the strength of all their other friends, their concern for her, their care.

They really were friends. It was not war bringing them together now, it was just them. The last remnants of her nightmare vanished with the light of this thought.

She was not alone. There were people who loved her, and they were right next to her; all she had to do was extend her hand far enough for them to reach.

“Ok,” she managed to answer without her voice cracking, and held tighter while she also closed her eyes to just float for a while.

She could feel the cold water under her, the heat of the sun above, and the presence of her friend at her side; this was the world she belonged to. Suddenly it felt stupid that she had ever doubted it.


	2. Chapter 2

Later that day, Knuckle asked them how far the group of rocks really was. Palm and Ikalgo looked at the distance, next to each other.

“Not close enough for the rest of you,” they concluded.

“Huuuh? Is that a challenge?”

“It’s not a challenge,” Palm said, remembering how deep the bottom was midway, “it’s too far and if someone gets tired along the way, it could be dangerous.”

There was a soft hum of agreement from the rest of the group.

“You _could_ get there, though,” Shoot probed, “you and Ikalgo.”

Both nodded. It was doable.

“Then let’s make a bet!”

They placed their bets. Knuckle said Ikalgo would reach the rocky formation and come back first; Shoot and Meleoron believed it would be Palm. The loser, or losers, would have to do the cleaning and cooking for what was left of the trip.

It was a tie to the rocks. Carefully, they looked for the safest edge to climb them and rest for a second. Ironically, their friends looked like ants in the distance.

“Hey, what do you say if we rig this bet?” Ikalgo asked.

“What? How?”

“Who do you think should do the dishes today?”

Palm pondered for a second. “Knuckle,” she said, “he’s been insufferable since he beat me at tennis this morning. Also Shoot just came out of the hospital, it’s wouldn’t be fair. What do you think?”

Ikalgo grinned, “I think the same.”

They shook hands to seal their agreement; Ikalgo would let Palm reach shore first.

They stretched and climbed to the border of the rock, tentatively touching the water. Now that they had gone out and the sun had dried them, it felt cold as fuck.

“Um…”

“Um…”

They looked at each other.

“Lets rest for five more minutes?”

“Sure,” Palm nodded.

So they sat down again and observed the coast in silence. It was a beautiful place. Palm felt sorry Knov was missing it; it would have done him well.

Suddenly, her mind wandered back to their mentors, to the Association, to Pariston and his soldiers.

She took a deep breath, and looked to the side. Ikalgo was there. If there was a time to talk to someone, it was now.

Ikalgo turned and caught her staring at him. He raised his brows, as if asking what was wrong.

If there was a time, it was definitely now.

“Hey…” She started. “Do you know why Morel had to come back?”

Ikalgo shook his head.

“I think I know why,” Palm said and turned back to the sea. “Well, I’m not sure, but it could be a reason…”

Ikalgo remained silent as Palm briefly explained what was happening behind curtains with the Vice-Chairman of the association, and then a bit more after declaring how unfair it was that this had been allowed to happen in the first place.

“Well… I guess there’s no use worrying now, it’s not up to us to decide what to do,” Ikalgo said absentmindedly after a while.

“I know… It’s complicated…”

The waves crashed against the rocks and it was a soothing sound, for all the troubling thoughts. Palm remembered the meeting she had had with Beans at the headquarters the other day, and of the question she couldn’t answer. She thought of her friends, of the ants that she knew had been absolved thanks to Morel, of the ones that must have escaped after all the chaos at the palace… Would the new soldiers turn out like them? Or would they be different? She had been the first, practically a prototype. What if the fact she was there now, in a bikini and enjoying the sun, was just because there had been a failure in her making?

It was one of the recurring thoughts that kept bugging her day by day.

“But I wished I could do something,” Palm heard herself say.

“Something like what?”

Fighting. She wanted to go fighting again. This time, she had the strength.

“I don’t know… But right now I feel useless.”

Ikalgo said nothing. Whether it was because he felt the same, or didn’t know how to answer, Palm couldn’t tell.

“Ah, I’m not saying we should all we going after the vice chairman- I just…” She looked at her hands. There was so much power in them. She could still feel it; she could still remember the rush of adrenaline it had been to turn into Black Widow. “I just feel like I have the power to fight back now.”

She clenched her hand into a fist. Power; this time she had power. This time, she could also make a difference.

“Ah, could you- could you not comment about this to the rest? I was supposed to keep that secret,” Palm said, “though I’m sure they’ll end up telling you all as well. That’s why I told you now anyway…”

Ikalgo promised not to tell, and then they decided to finally leave the rocky surface. On their way back, Palm wondered how wise it had been to trust someone who had proposed to rig a bet just minutes before.

As agreed, he let her win, so she figured it would be fine. In retrospective, Ikalgo had always been a good friend to her. Right from the beginning, even though he didn’t even know her, he had always been caring. Palm wondered if maybe his kindness and protectiveness were founded on something more than ‘his word to his friends’. She wondered if maybe it was also guilt, seeing as he had not found her on time that day at the palace.

This, of course, was not something she could bring up to the table so casually. Besides, it didn’t feel right for _her_ to do it, so she pushed the thought away. If Ikalgo wanted to talk about it someday, she would listen. If not, it wouldn’t matter. Life continued. They had survived and were together with all their friends enjoying that. Life continued.

 

 

The weekend ended without any incidents, and the group went back to the city. When Palm entered to her apartment, only coldness greeted her in. It seemed the curtains had not been drawn during all that time. She announced her returning to the air and took her bag into her room.

The silence was unnerving, more than she remembered. Palm turned on the TV while she prepared something for herself. It was still uncomfortable, so she went for her phone.

She went through her contacts, and stopped midway. _Gon_. She wondered where he was now, what new adventures he was up to with Killua. Her index hovered over the screen, but she couldn’t get herself to press it.

They had only crossed a few words after his recovery. As impossible as it seemed, once he woke up he was just as when she had first met him; healthy, energetic, full of life. Everyone got a chance to see him but, after he was told where he was and _who else_ was near, there was no stopping him. They had not spoken since, and now, she had the urge to talk. She had so much to say to Gon, but, she couldn’t get herself to call.

It seemed like a joke now, the time when they first met. Gon was still dear to her, but not in the exaggerated way it had been then. She couldn’t help it, though. She wished she could have acted differently, but sometimes it just happened. People who were charming, or attractive, or simply just kind to her, they could easily become an obsession. It was just who she was. Surely, she had not been born obsessive, but as she grew up, it started to become an essential part of her personality. She had never considered it was a bad thing. Actually, she thought it was just extreme determination. And it was this extreme determination that got her to discover nen, and it was her mastery of nen that made it possible for her to be accepted as Knov’s disciple; so how could it be a bad thing?, she had thought.

Now, it really seemed like a bad joke. She had been playing dating with Gon while a horrible massacre was happening at NGL, and she had thought herself ‘the one’ for him, when in reality Gon already had a dear person in his life. It had been so obvious. And it had been so cruel. Gon and Killua were just kids. She had blinded herself both by her own obsession and their attitudes to pay attention to this, but she could see it now; they were just kids. They shouldn’t have been in that war. Physical strength had not been the issue. No, the real issue had been their emotions, mostly Gon’s. And she hated that she didn’t see this on time, that no one noticed that despite all their training, Gon was not ready to fight at their side because there were too many strong emotions involved, and that it was only natural because he was still just a young boy.

What a joke.

Palm fiddled with the phone until she decided she would text instead. It would be easier to put her thoughts in order that way.

The reply came fairly soon. Gon said he was doing well, and that he was back at Whale Island. At first Palm was surprised, and then she figured it was normal that after all they had been through Gon would want to go home. She told them about the boys and about the trip, and promised to send photos some time later.

Texting was definitely easier than talking. It was not the same, but it was enough. She was just happy to know that Gon was ok. When she said goodbye, she sent greetings to his family and Killua. The reply to that took longer. “ _Killua is travelling with his sister, but I’ll send him your greetings when I can!_ ” Knowing that the two friends were not together was strange, to put it someway. Still, the message implied they still kept contact, so it was probably a temporary thing. She couldn’t imagine Gon and Killua separated; not for long, at least.

 

Knov appeared later that night. He briefly informed her he had had a meeting with members of the Association.

“The missing ants are not priority anymore. Our services are not needed.”

He was about to walk away and disappear into his room when Palm stopped him.

“But what happened?”

“They are all crazy, that’s what happens.”

His tone seemed upset, so she didn’t dare ask more. They could talk about it the next day.

 

 

 

That following morning, Knov lay awake for a long while after waking up. He looked at the time; it was still early, there was an hour before his alarm clock went off.

It was six in the morning, meaning that the Association was closed, as were cafeterias, and practically any other kind of shop at that hour. He had no pending jobs and no one to visit, at least at that hour. Summed up, he had no excuses to leave the apartment.

It was kind of a tricky situation, because Knov was very looking forward to _not_ being alone with Palm but, without an excuse, it was very likely she would notice he was avoiding her. She probably had noticed already. The girl wasn’t dumb.

Time ago, when she had just become his apprentice, Knov had given her an order mixed with a compliment: “your blood is too precious to waste, don’t use it unless I tell you so”.

Now that Palm’s ability had changed and she didn’t need to draw her own blood to spy on people, the order was pretty much obsolete. She could very well be spying on him at that very moment. He trusted her not to, but at the same time, how could he be sure? Again, the girl was not dumb. She probably had noticed his long absences. He wouldn’t blame her for being curious about them.

The thing was that, if Palm happened to spy on him and she discovered he was indeed avoiding her, it would break her heart. And he didn’t want that. So he mustered all his strength, and went out of the room.

Luckily, it seemed she wasn’t up yet.

Knov went to the tiny kitchen to prepare some coffee. He missed the coffee machine at home. He liked the ritual of grinding the coffee beans, adding the water, and waiting the exact amount of minutes required for whatever blend he was using. It helped him clear his mind. Now, all he had was instant coffee. The clack of the spoon against the cup was still kind of soothing, he thought to comfort himself.

It wasn’t that he was afraid of confrontation. He just didn’t see the point if it wasn’t necessary. He could argue or fight with anyone, if it was for his job. However, as far as his personal life concerned, he would rather not deal with more hassle than needed. This included emotional hassle. Knov appreciated how delightful the right company could be, but also how important it was to have time on his own. Taking into account that ‘the right company’ was hard to find, the time he spent alone was a lot.  And he cherished it. His Hide and Seek technique was an homage to it, a place where there were no distracters, and he could focus on his training, on his studies, on his leisure time books; on himself.

Knov valued calm, solitude, and privacy. He could work with Palm because she understood and respected this, the majority of time. Working with her was not the issue. The issue was not Palm, or Palm’s fault. The issue was irrational, a recurring nightmare of an aura that his mind refused to forget. It was a memory that was like falling into a bottomless sea, like drowning in tar.

Palm was not the issue, but she was a reminder. When they were alone, he could not look at Palm in her new appearance and not make the connection.

Palm had died.

Not in a metaphorical way, which he wasn’t sure would have been better or worse. Palm had literally killed herself for the sake of their mission.

It was waters he didn’t want to dive into. The nightmares would pass, and so would the uneasiness. There was no need to talk about it with Palm if he could just wait for it to pass.

So instead of sitting at the narrow built-in table at the kitchen to wait for Palm to appear, he decided to have his coffee at the balcony, which would be cold at that hour, but could fit a couple chairs and a center table, so it was not that uncomfortable.

Still, it became so as soon as he stepped out the apartment, because when he did, he noticed Palm had had the same idea and was already sitting on one of the balcony chairs.

They both gaped and stared at each other awkwardly. Before Knov could excuse himself and turn back, Palm got ahead again and talked first.

“I’m sorry, were you going to sit here?”

Knov shook his head and a hand in the air, feeling completely unarmed. He was wearing a robe over his pajamas, but no hat. Palm was in a similar outfit, but she had plenty of hair on her head. It could seem vain of him, but he found it hard to keep a cool façade in front of her with only grey, scarce hair. Sometimes he thought the only thing keeping Palm at his side was that she admired him in that way.

“No, no no, it’s alright, I was just-”

“Because I can move to the other chair if you want,” she continued quickly.

Knov froze with a foot on the balcony and the other already back inside. There were two chairs. She was even offering to move. Saying no now would be the equivalent of declaring his evasion out loud.

With a sigh, he gave up, and took the chair next to her.

The minutes that followed were silent except for the sounds of the city, slowly starting its day. Palm didn’t look bothered. In fact, she almost seemed happy. Her gaze was lost somewhere in the building in front of theirs. Just then Knov wondered what she was doing there, and if he should even ask.

“That window on the sixth floor,” Palm suddenly said, as if reading his mind, “the fifth one from the left?”

Knov looked at the window she was guiding him to. There was a snow white cat, fluffy as a brand new duster, sleeping on the windowpane under the sun.

“And down, a few windows to the right,” she pointed with a now evident smile.

Knov followed her directions; there was nothing there. He looked back at Palm but she didn’t move her gaze, so he looked back and waited. Suddenly, he saw a big shadow running across rooms. The shadow stopped, it was a very big, long-haired dog.

“Oh,” he said, “that’s- quite a dog.”

Palm giggled. “It’s like a miniature horse.”

“I didn’t think such big animals were allowed at apartments.”

Palm giggled again. “Illegal dog.”

Knov felt the tension leave his shoulders as Palm started pointing the interesting neighbours she had spotted so far. There was a man eating a whole bowl of ice cream as he watched the news, there was a bodybuilder doing an exercise routine, a group of friends making food while dancing to old songs on the radio, a couple of newlyweds struggling to get their baby to stop spitting out their food, and an old woman feeding wild birds at her balcony.

Domestic espionage, a very Palm thing to do at early morning.

Although he couldn’t completely understand Palm’s passion of observing others, he could see the appeal. It was like watching television. You could get the entertainment without having to engage in the interaction. In some aspect, they were kind of similar. Both kept a safe distance from the world. Well, Palm sometimes tried to completely erase that distance if someone caught her eye but, most of the time, she stayed away. She probably had other reasons for this than Knov’s longing for peace and solitude, but anyway, they stood on the same ground.

It was a relief that they were similar in some ways, because Knov couldn’t imagine himself with a completely different disciple. Like Knuckle. He had to give kudos to Morel for knowing how to deal with Knuckle. It was a relief he had been able to find an agreeable disciple with such a unique skill.

It was a relief that even after all that had happened, Palm seemed to remain the same.

At least on the inside.

Inevitably, he started to think about the mission again. Palm was different because she had died, and she had been taken by the enemy and morphed into something else. Palm had died because the circumstances were bad, and her instructions were such. He couldn’t even remember them at that point. What was exactly what she had been instructed to do? Had they given her a knife? Poison? A gun?

Palm brushed a hand over his shoulder to accommodate her hair, and Knov imagined the same hand going over her neck with a blade. He almost shuddered at the thought.

“Um… Knov-sama? I was thinking… What happened in the end with the Pariston case?”

“Ah…” Knov sighed. “It got mixed with the expedition to the Dark Continent.”

He proceeded to tell her all about how Pariston was embarking to the Dark Continent, and how the ants were no longer a priority, for understandable reasons.

“Aren’t we going to help?”

Knov readjusted his glasses. “Morel agreeded to help, to some degree. I refused, entirely.”

Palm seemed confused. It was also understandable. Pariston was a menace wherever he stood. She probably just wanted to make sure the ants issue was solved. He wished so too.

“…Why did you refuse?”

Many reasons, but mostly because he was fed up. The last mission had been an odyssey; he didn’t want another, specially so soon.

“The money was not worth it,” he simply said instead.

“Ah…”

That was his opportunity to leave. He could just end the conversation there and go back into the apartment. However, Palm looked strangely disappointed, and the curiosity was spitting words out his mouth before he could realize.

“Why do you ask?”

Palm hunched a bit and looked to the side.

“Did you want to board that ship?” he continued prodding.

“I don’t know… Maybe,” Palm finally said. “Maybe I should. I can fight now, I can help.”

There was no real inflection in her words, but they hit him anyway.

There was no way the members of the chimera ant mission would have been able to fight alone, but it was true that from all of them, Palm was the weakest one in terms of strength and endurance. If Knov had trained Palm’s body just as he had trained her clairvoyance, would she have died anyway? Or would she have been able to escape?

Again, his mind travelled back to the mission, and even further back. If Knov had been a better mentor, if he had worried more about Palm’s future instead of just worrying about how much blood they used daily, would things be different now? Had Knov inadvertently failed as teacher before he had failed to bring them closer to the King during the mission?

“You shouldn’t have died,” he heard himself suddenly say.

Palm stared at him with wide eyes, the words too loud even in the open of the balcony. She then hunched even more, looked to the floor, and braced one of her arms.

“I’m sorry,” she said, and this time there was clear guilt in her voice and it hit Knov even harder than before.

“No,” he almost yelled.

“No?” Palm looked like she was about to cry.

“No, I mean,” he took a deep breath, “you have nothing to be sorry about.”

Knov placed his elbows over his knees and hold his head between both hands. It seemed there was no escape.

“If someone should be saying sorry, that’s me. I should have trained you better. And I should have gotten closer to the King… And I should have participated more during the battle,” he finished in a low voice.

“…It’s alright,” she said almost in a whisper.

“It’s not,” he answered sharply.

“It’s fine—”

“You died!”

Knov lifted his head as he yelled, and was met with Palm’s eyes. They both stared at each other in abrupt silence. Palm really looked like she was about to cry.

“…I live,” she managed to breathe out. Then, blinking many times as if to stop her eyes from tearing up, she added, “I like to think that’s what matters.”

Knov’s breath was caught in his throat. It was an obvious statement, and still, a very important one.

“I’m sorry,” Knov hurried to say, and put a hand over her knee, “please don’t cry.”

She nodded and pursed her lips, still obviously affected. Knov gave up and leaned in for an awkward hug, which still served its purpose of comfort.

“It’s fine, you’re right, it’s all fine,” he repeated as he tried to rub her back.

There was the chance the Royal Guards had never taken Palm’s body to use for their soldiers. There was the chance she had never recovered her memory afterwards. There were many things that could have gone differently about the battle, and even so, she was still there. _He_ was also there. It was nothing to look down on. Life continued for them. How wonderful was it to be able to say that after such a gruelling battle?

He leaned back again when he felt he was about to slip off his chair, and when he did, he felt incredibly lighter. The air was fresh yet heavy in his chest, like he had just emerged from the water after being under it for a long time.

He extended a hand for Palm to stand up and invited her to go back inside. She washed their cups, he turned on the television. The routine was the same as it had been the last few weeks, yet silence didn’t stand between them like a wall.

After having dressed properly, Palm started packing her bags. If they had no business in the city, the only thing to do now was to part ways until they had to work together again.

Knov watched as Palm folded blouses and dresses from the doorway, deep in thought.

“I was asked to board the ship to the Dark Continent,” he suddenly said, and Palm stopped to look at him, “so I refused. But I was thinking… Morel is only going to help the crew until they reach the gate. I suppose it would still be helpful if I accompanied them until that point.”

Palms eyes shined brightly like they always did whenever he said something she referred to as ‘cool’, and Knov was pleased to see that she still admired him even after his breakdown and even with his tired appearance. He readjusted his glasses.

“After all, our abilities are not a thing you see every day. They should be grateful for any help we decide to give them.”

Palm nodded ridiculously. It was also nice to see she still glowed up so much after a simple praise.

“You’re not setting a foot on that ship though,” he pointed a finger at her, “I’m warning you right now. We have nothing to do on that land, or with the idiots that want to go there.”

She was still too happy to complain.

Knov left her to unpack her stuff and went back to the balcony. The streets were noisy and full of movement again. Life continued. He took his phone to call Morel immediately. He’d rather talk to him first than the lunatics of the Zodiacs.

Life continued, and he could not stand completely still while it passed.


End file.
